Another September..remembering your special day in a different way…

 For me, you were not just my father, you were my greatest punisher. Why? Oh well, do you remember when I was in grade 5, when you punished me? When you hit me with your belt like a maniac, damn Tay that hurts. If you can’t remember it, let me remind you then. I was in grade 5, careless, silly and hard-headed little girl; there was no electricity supply in our barangay during that time yet, but there was this Movie Haus that operates during the night through the use of generator.One night  I asked Nanay’s permission that I want to watched a movie, that Indiana Jones Movie, I told her I might sleep over on a friend’s house after, (although I have no friends in mind) she said yes but she said I have to asked your permission too, knowing that you won’t allow me, I sneaked out after dinner without telling you anything, I went out ALONE. When you find out that I’m not in my room, you asked nanay about me, she told you where im at and what’s my plan, you commanded Manong Nonoy to pick me up and to bring me home. So I went home with him even though the movie has just started. You didn’t even allow me to enter the room Tay, when you saw me; you removed your belt and hit me non-stop, everywhere except my face. Nanay had to cover me with her body because you didn’t want to stop. You were saying words that I can’t understand because im too busy covering my body, wondering where you will hit me next, but I caught one phrase “What will happen to us, to me, to your Nanay if you got rape.” I wasn’t crying, I know that, but Nanay was crying all throughout the night, even after you stop hitting me. You even had a fight with her for tolerating me. The next morning, I can’t move my body, it’s aching all over, I have belt marks everywhere. Manong Nonoy can’t look at me and the rest of the boys. Nanay had to bathe and dressed me up just like a baby so I can go to school. For one week Tay, we never talked, even you and nanay were not talking. But I can feel it and I can see in your eyes that you were hurting to see me in pain. After a week, you brought home from work a special spaghetti from De Calidad Restaurant and my favorite bread “piping”, you gave it to me. I didn’t accept it, I’m sorry, I was still mad at you. Then you told me to go to my room, to not my lock my door, because you will follow to talk to me. You were still holding the bread and spaghetti; you sat down on the chair next to my study table and looked at me. “Does it hurt?” your first question. Wow! Of course it does. Can’t you see the marks of your belt on my arms? But I didn’t say anything, that words were all just in my mind, the tears were falling on my face and then you said, “That night was the scariest night of my life as a father Evangeline, the only night when fear took over my heart, because I don’t know where my daughter is. There are a lot of human animals lurking around out there, what if you got raped, murdered, what am I going to do? A lot of people hates me in this place because of land problem, most of them wants to hurt me, do you think they will spare your life if they see you out there, alone and unprotected? You have 6 elder sisters and 3 elder brothers, but they never did that, they always follow my command, because they know I am doing it to protect you all, to keep you safe, why you, the youngest among ten have to be so hard headed? Your brothers were here, sleeping, while you, a girl, where were you? Out there, alone. HINDI LANG IKAW ANG ANAK KO, HINDI LANG IKAW ANG INIISIP KO, WAG KANG MAKASARILI.” Then you put the bread and spaghetti on the table and walked out of my room. From that day on, I know in my heart and in my mind, I have the best father… and the best punisher.

I love you Zosimo Tan Manayon SR. I miss you. 

P.S. I asked GOD to prepare Mango Flavored Ice cream for you today, Yakult, one day unlimited supply of gelatin, buko salad, soft drinks… and oh, COFFEE, how can I forget? Happy birthday my coffee buddy. Celebrate with God, you deserve it. I love you.

I have a guide, I have GOD.

I am a woman, a human; I have fear, doubts and frustrations. I had won and lost a battle, I’ve experienced pain and happiness, but above all these, I have God...that alone makes me a winner.

There are times that I feel like I am losing grip and focus, and whenever I feel that way, God would let me stumble into something or someone to remind me that He will always be there to guide me. He would poke me or pinch me, as if waking me up from my nightmare. 

.. It was month of May when I think I lost the feeling of having something to look forward to. For almost a week I was like a zombie who wakes up because I have to, who do things because I need to and not because I want to. Then one morning, I was reading “Witch of Portobello” a book of Paolo Coelho about a girl who is never afraid to do things that her heart desire. On that moment I felt like Paolo was talking to me directly, he was telling me to try new things and to never be afraid of change, to be like ATHENA (the girl in the book), to get out of my comfort zone and stop living with routine, to believe and follow my heart. That’s when I decided that I should go back to school and finish what I have started. 

..Middle of June when another strange feeling creeps in to my senses. I am aware that I am being scared of the future again. I have this crazy feeling of wanting to go back home and enjoy the protection that my Nanay’s womb could give me, to be safe, to feel that I am protected. I’m trying to dither things because I’m feeling afraid of the future, of the untold and the unseen. Then I bumped into someone who discussed to me the idea of living life in a daily basis, that the future comes one day at a time, of enjoying life according to passion…

It’s not every day that I wake up with a good mood or with a positive feeling, but as much as possible I would try to look for the silver lining that would turn my day into a positive one.

Now that I’m trying to take a new endeavor, there are nights that I feel like I’m having cold feet. A lot of what ifs and buts would cross my mind, tons of fear and doubts would shake my heart, trying to stop me from what I’m supposed to do. Knowing that I am having fear and doubts, God would let me hear a song to inspire me or He would let a little note pop up on my screen, a note or words that tells me to keep going, to pursue my goal. HE would let me have a dream at night which would put a smile on my face when I wake up. HE would let me bump into something or someone that would change my negative feeling into a great one. He would let me listen to a silly joke that brings  laughter in my heart. HE would whisper to me to look on a child’s eyes which are full of curiosity, telling me that I should have that feeling too. He push mountain with me. Thank you my LORD.

Every waking day, there is doubt in the corner of my heart, what if I fail, what if I’m wrong, what if it’s not the right road for me to take, who am I to know. But then God would let me feel that it’s fine to feel anxiety and doubts, it’s alright to be wrong sometime, so that I would know what is right. It’s fine to be unsure. I may stumble, I may fall, but I will grow because of it. HE pushes me to go on, and to not be afraid. I could feel  HIM telling me this "Eva hugs anxiety and kiss doubts, but do not be shaken. Move and change…take the chance and keep going..."

Tomorrow I may have fear again, but I know too that GOD will never get tired of pinching me, reminding me of HIS guidance, of HIS love.  The future may be unclear, but who cares, I have GOD. :)

A lost Magda in the land of Lena

What time is it? I stretch my body and force my eyes to open. Its 7pm, time to wake up and prepare myself. A new day, a new hell. Honestly, I don’t feel like waking up, I don’t want to think of what I’m going to do tonight…but I have to. I pick my toiletries and head to the shared bathroom, I’m lucky today as no one is inside yet. I have to be quick, I’m hungry, and the last time I fed my stomach was 12mn. It’s almost 9am when I got home this morning. I hope I have better income tonight. Customers seem not in the mood these past few days. I look for the scrubbers to scrub my skin; I have to remove the dirt from yesterday; I wish even memory can be removed through bathing. It’s not the right time for self pity, I need to hurry and prepare myself so scrub, scrub, scrub.  Customers might be out there now, I can’t keep them waiting, and I need them more than they need me.  After cleaning my body, I head back to my small room, time to cover up. I need to transform now. I need to enhance my look so I check all my paraphernalia, cheap make up, eye-shadow, and eye liner, foundation, concealer, lipstick and big bottle of perfume. I have to look my best tonight. Finally I’m done, one more look...Hmm, I think I look good now. It’s dark outside, perfect! 

Maybe you are wondering now about what kind of job I have, to educate you, I entertain people. I entertain men. I have to satisfy their needs, their desire, the lust of their physical body. I have to give them the best performance every night, a performance that their real life partner can’t do to them, I am a hooker to make it short. In the morning, that’s when I sleep with my paranoia and disappointment. It’s when I removed all the pain and dirt I have inflicted to myself. At first, every morning I would cry, this was not my dream when I was a child. I want to be a doctor before, to cure the sick and to be rich so I can bring my parents on world tour. But my father died when I was in elementary, my mother lost her will to fight against life when we lost him, she became sick and weak. I was not able to finish my school, but I know how to read, to talk and understand English, only a little. I may not have become a real doctor, but I still cure, I cure the needs of men, of my customers. All I know now is I am fighting life, to help my sick mother, to help my brothers and sisters back home. So they won’t experience the kind of life that I am fighting every day. As the days become months and months to year, my mind and body become numb to all the pain too.  I need money more than anything else. I can’t be so dramatic; I have to feed my mother and siblings back home. I have to be strong. I need to earn more every night, save and go home.

Here, people condemn me; they treat me as the dirtiest woman alive. I’m a trash, dirt in the community, a lost Magdalena. Whenever they see me outside, men would whistle or call me names, wives would look at me in a very disgusting way. At first I fight back, but not anymore, I have learned to ignore them. Some of what they’re saying is true. I don’t want to be mad at them because they don’t know my story. I want to give them an understanding that they deserve. I hate myself too because I know I am dirty. Had my father know this I know he’ll be mad at me; but he was not here anymore. I had to take over his position in our family and fight the battle to survive our daily life, for my weak mother, for our precious family. Do you think I like this job? I don’t. I hate every single bit of it, I hate it, but I have no choice. This is the easiest way to earn money; the easiest and the dirtiest way. It’s the same reason why I don’t go out during the day except to buy food or shampoo or conditioner. Why I wear double-padded make up?  So I can protect my face, the face that my loving father and mother adore; the face that I use at home. It is also the same reason why I don’t make friends, I don’t need them. I have friends back home, real friends. I may have looked tough on the outside; inside I am still that little girl… 

.....To the wife, son and daughter, girlfriend, fiancée of those men whom I had entertained and will entertain, my sincerest apology. I never invested feelings with them, and they don’t either, I promise you. I am not asking for your understanding or acceptance for I know that won’t happen, I only want to relay information, the world is cruel and I am one of the victim but sad to say, no one is a suspect. I only need one thing, money. 

One day, I will start another journey...a journey back home.









(I wrote this to better understand their life...the lost darna)

...I told you.

Have you noticed the stars in the sky?

 It’s shining so bright isn’t it?

Did you look back on your happy days?

Or crying days?

They’re just part of your memories now.

It can no longer hurt you, nor break you or touch you, isn’t it?

Have you noticed the smile on your face?

…Oh well you deserve it.

So don’t feel guilty about it.

Remember when you say you’ll get through it?

But remember when you thought it’s impossible to live without him?

That feeling is already gone...right?

In the corner of your heart, you find your peace.

In the center of your own universe you see your worth.

…you deserves all of it.

So never feel guilty about it.

I told you, everything will change. Nothing is permanent.

Have you check your wings lately?

It’s stronger and colorful. So fly until you reach your limitation.

And when you reach the zenith, fly more, into the limitless world.

Laugh, cry and laugh again.

…you deserves it.

No need to feel guilty of it.

If you’re happy, laugh don’t just smile,

So your lungs will be re-filled and it’ll be easier to breath.

If you’re sad, cry, let your tears wash the dirt in your eyes.

So you’ll be able to look at things clearly.

When you feel like dancing, dance.

Your bone may crack a little but it’ll help your limbs find its force to move again.

When you hear a beautiful song, appreciate it.

Sing and let your voice change the bitterness in the world.

…you deserves all of it and guiltiness is just a waste of time.

Smile, cry, laugh, sing and dance with your life.

Don’t change the shape of your heart.

……Enjoy your journey and be crazy about it.