I am a woman, a human; I have fear, doubts and frustrations.
I had won and lost a battle, I’ve experienced pain and happiness, but above all these, I have
God...that alone makes me a winner.
There are times that I feel like I am losing grip and focus,
and whenever I feel that way, God would let me stumble into something or
someone to remind me that He will always be there to guide me. He would poke me
or pinch me, as if waking me up from my nightmare.
.. It was month of May when I think I lost the feeling of
having something to look forward to. For almost a week I was like a zombie who
wakes up because I have to, who do things because I need to and not because I
want to. Then one morning, I was reading “Witch of Portobello” a book of Paolo
Coelho about a girl who is never afraid to do things that her heart desire. On
that moment I felt like Paolo was talking to me directly, he was telling me to try
new things and to never be afraid of change, to be like ATHENA (the girl in the
book), to get out of my comfort zone and stop living with routine, to believe
and follow my heart. That’s when I decided that I should go back to school and
finish what I have started.
..Middle of June when another strange feeling creeps in to
my senses. I am aware that I am being scared of the future again. I have this
crazy feeling of wanting to go back home and enjoy the protection that my Nanay’s
womb could give me, to be safe, to feel that I am protected. I’m trying to
dither things because I’m feeling afraid of the future, of the untold and the
unseen. Then I bumped into someone who discussed to me the idea of living life in
a daily basis, that the future comes one day at a time, of enjoying life
according to passion…
It’s not every day that I wake up with a good mood or with a
positive feeling, but as much as possible I would try to look for the silver
lining that would turn my day into a positive one.
Now that I’m trying to take a new endeavor, there are nights
that I feel like I’m having cold feet. A lot of what ifs and buts would cross
my mind, tons of fear and doubts would shake my heart, trying to stop me from what
I’m supposed to do. Knowing that I am having fear and doubts, God would let me
hear a song to inspire me or He would let a little note pop up on my screen, a
note or words that tells me to keep going, to pursue my goal. HE would let me
have a dream at night which would put a smile on my face when I wake up. HE
would let me bump into something or someone that would change my negative
feeling into a great one. He would let me listen to a silly joke that
brings laughter in my heart. HE would whisper to me to look on a child’s eyes
which are full of curiosity, telling me that I should have that feeling too. He
push mountain with me. Thank you my LORD.
Every waking day, there is doubt in the corner of my heart,
what if I fail, what if I’m wrong, what if it’s not the right road for me to
take, who am I to know. But then God would let me feel that it’s fine to feel
anxiety and doubts, it’s alright to be wrong sometime, so that I would know
what is right. It’s fine to be unsure. I may stumble, I may fall, but I will
grow because of it. HE pushes me to go on, and to not be afraid. I could feel HIM telling me this "Eva hugs
anxiety and kiss doubts, but do not be shaken. Move and change…take the chance
and keep going..."
Tomorrow I may have fear again, but I know too that GOD will
never get tired of pinching me, reminding me of HIS guidance, of HIS love. The future may be unclear, but who cares, I
have GOD. :)
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