Bike to Freedom

...December 19, 2013: I rented a bike to roam around the island, to find the secret spot of the place where I belong now. ..I don’t know why but when the lady handed me the bike and the moment I touched the handle I felt a very peculiar feeling. It’s so strange and I never felt like this before. I touched the wheel and the brake, I kept reminding myself that I shouldn’t do it; it might not be safe as it's been ages since I last used a bicycle. My blood surge like I’m a professional biker. Well, I know I'm not. But the feeling is awesome; I can’t even define it myself. It awakens my blood. I put on my headset, turn on the music, and rode the bike and I start pedaling. One, two, three, until I no longer know how many pedals I did. I can’t hear any sound except the song of Incubus, "Are you in?" And it seemed to me that the song was asking me literally. Am I really in? Or I belong to somewhere else. It’s nice to be "in" in a society, but what if it’s not something that I enjoy doing, because I prefer doing things on my own? I enjoy doing things alone, obviously. I know I can blend with the group, but I don’t want to be always in a group. I can be in a group, but most of the time, I love being alone with music and book as my companion. Is that something that I should apologize to the group where I belong? But do I really belong to a group? Now, that’s complicated. I never stopped pushing the pedal even to the place where it’s a little bit high, there were times that I can't breathe and the muscle on my leg begun to crumple because it is not used to this kind of activity. I never stopped. I pushed myself and just continued pedaling. I can’t stop, I'm afraid to stop because I might not continue pedaling anymore. As I was driving, I feel the wind splashing my face; all of my fears appear in my mind. My past appears in front of me like a big television rewinding my life 10years ago. I saw my innocent smile, my naïve reaction to every situation, and my clueless emotions. I saw myself, and I saw how life molds me into who I am today.  I must admit I have a lot of fears; fear of rejection, fear of heights, fear of closed places, fear of losing my family...but I am never afraid to be alone. Maybe that is the reason why I chose Boracay when I messed up my life in Manila. I knew then that I will be able to find the part of me that went missing for almost a decade.

….One by one, my fears haunted me. The more that I pedal the bike, the more that my fears appear in front of me. It is asking me to free them all, to let go of them. To give myself the power over them and not them over-powering me. I pedal as fast as I could…I can feel the wind washing my whole being..While biking, the person that I used to love appears in my mind. The man whom I gave my whole self without hesitation. The man whom I thought would be with me until my last breath. A man whom I spent almost a decade of my life. It’s been a year since we decided to stop making memories together. He is now a fading memory that I should bury. Then a thought appear, everyone is blaming him for what happened to us. For what he did. I think for the first time, I should defend him. I should defend the man who used to protect me in all circumstances. A man who was willing to give up everything just to be with me. Who defied the true meaning of love just to show how he really cares for me. I think it’s time for me to tell the world that he is a good man. What happened to us was not his sole mistake. I should blame myself too. It takes two to tango, that’s true. And every relationship is a two way radio. I should blame myself too. Even my mother told me that he is a good man, and most of the time I am the bad girl in our relationship. He always say that I never became his woman, but he is always my man, because I never allowed him to control me, because I always have something to say, and my decision always matter, not his. And for that, he may have lost his ego as a man along the way. That I truly understand and I acknowledge it now. He may have lost his self-respect while he was with me. I am really sorry. Our 9yrs and 7month relationship was not perfect, just like a normal relationship and I know that everything that has a beginning has an ending. We had a beautiful love story but we're not meant to be together, so it has to end. I am sorry Jed; I know you deserve my apology too, as I deserve yours. If there is one thing that I will always thank you for, it's for respecting my mother and for loving her like your own mom. I salute you for that… pedal, more pedal as I passed through a high road.

…I reached a cross road so I had to stop, I swerved and chose the one which is unknown to me and I don’t know where it would lead me. Another face of a person appears in my mind. A beautiful man with a beautiful heart and spirit. A face of a person who is loved by many, and admire by thousands of people around the world. A beautiful soul, that's what he is. I poked myself because I realized that a tear is falling in my cheek and I couldn’t see the road because it blocks my sight. For a very short period of time, I fell in love with his beautiful soul. I love him...But he is not meant to stay. I love him but he doesn’t have to know. I love him but that doesn’t mean that he should love me too. I love him and I should stop loving him…goodbye to you... Thank you for the memory. Then I passed on the part of the road which is covered by sand, I saw myself flying in the air when I hit the front brake of the bike. When my knee touched the rough road, I felt no pain, I felt freedom instead. Freedom from inner pain, freedom from my past. Freedom from all the people who used to govern my emotion. I had wound and scratches on my knee but the pain are just in the outside. It's tolerable… …until I saw the blood dripping down..OMG..Then I realized, I’m afraid of blood. Another fear. No way! I wiped the blood and parked my bike and went directly to the beach. I washed my wound with sea water...Ouch! That’s painful. After washing it with salt water, I sprayed it with an alcohol Damn! Ouch, ouch...Ouch! …I sit back at the sand, watched the beautiful scenery and smile... I am FREE now.